all I know is everything has changed.
I can't believe how long it's been. Last time we spoke, this was a haven for me- a safe space where I would share what I was feeling in the moment- like a time capsule of emotions more than an actual place to write. Really, the last three years before my last post mostly consisted of things like "I promise I'll write more soon," or some lame thing about how I just wanted to write but didn't know what to say.
This blog was something I started because journals aren't secure enough. Something I started because I knew that the only people who knew about it/would read anything, were people I could share my very core with. This blog honestly encompasses my DNA on a large level.
I'm actually chuckling at how melodramatic that sounds- I think that's what this platform does to me.
Anyway. My last post was 5 years ago.
5 years.
That's a huge number in terms of years, and yes, does make me feel much older than I actually am. I guess 23 is kind of old, but it's crazy to think that the last time I was here, I was still a teenager. I hope that I never forget this space. That I continue to visit now and then.
Though the person who made this is honestly extinct in a way, I can come here to understand her. to visit her. and when I have kids, to understand better what they are going through.
Emotions are so temporary. So contingent on a given scenario. I could feel the most joy I've ever felt, but once the moment has passed, we forget what it felt like. That's why people have more than one child- they forget the pain of childbirth (not like I would actually know, it just seems like a good example). Really, I just already feel the change. I always thought growing up, "I'll never be the parent that doesn't understand their kids, or who thinks their child doesn't really understand things," but I already feel myself seeing high school students, middle school students, and early college students and thinking that they don't know what's coming.
and honestly, they don't. Life is really fricking hard. It's beautiful and amazing, but so so hard. But just because they haven't- I hadn't - experienced the difficulties of adulthood, does not necessarily make them incapable of understanding / comprehending / experiencing life in the same way.
I look back at these posts and see that wow, yes, I knew. I knew the pain of heartbreak and of confusion. I understood fear and love and excitement. The experience does not validate or invalidate the emotion. I knew pain then, and I know pain know. Maybe in different scopes, but still pain nonetheless.
the one thing I know I know now better than before is how much I love Branden, with my whole heart. All that I am. I knew love, but I didn't know love like this. This is so new, and so strong, and so otherworldly, I've never been able to put it into words. The best words I can say, are that we get married a week from tomorrow. That's crazy. For so long the idea of me getting married was a far-off thought. Something I vaguely wanted, but also terrified me because of my long-time, deep-rooted fear of commitment. The last time I posted, even though I was with Branden at the time, I probably couldn't have imagined this day.
The last five years have been wild.
more painful than I could have had nightmares about.
more beautiful than I could ever envision.
more wonderful than my soul could dream.
I really, truly, did not know what was coming. And honestly, I'm so glad. As a currently popular country song goes, "youth is spent well on the young, because wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun."
I think I had more wisdom in my teens - more than people gave me credit for, for sure. But I also believe in the beauty that is ignorant bliss. It's what makes you take chances, and move forward.
Okay, I need to pee, but maybe sometime soon I'll write again. I won't promise, because really, I don't know if I will. but maybe I will. If I do? See you then.
<3 love.="" much="" nbsp="" p="" so="">
Ari (soon to be Hummer)
This blog was something I started because journals aren't secure enough. Something I started because I knew that the only people who knew about it/would read anything, were people I could share my very core with. This blog honestly encompasses my DNA on a large level.
I'm actually chuckling at how melodramatic that sounds- I think that's what this platform does to me.
Anyway. My last post was 5 years ago.
5 years.
That's a huge number in terms of years, and yes, does make me feel much older than I actually am. I guess 23 is kind of old, but it's crazy to think that the last time I was here, I was still a teenager. I hope that I never forget this space. That I continue to visit now and then.
Though the person who made this is honestly extinct in a way, I can come here to understand her. to visit her. and when I have kids, to understand better what they are going through.
Emotions are so temporary. So contingent on a given scenario. I could feel the most joy I've ever felt, but once the moment has passed, we forget what it felt like. That's why people have more than one child- they forget the pain of childbirth (not like I would actually know, it just seems like a good example). Really, I just already feel the change. I always thought growing up, "I'll never be the parent that doesn't understand their kids, or who thinks their child doesn't really understand things," but I already feel myself seeing high school students, middle school students, and early college students and thinking that they don't know what's coming.
and honestly, they don't. Life is really fricking hard. It's beautiful and amazing, but so so hard. But just because they haven't- I hadn't - experienced the difficulties of adulthood, does not necessarily make them incapable of understanding / comprehending / experiencing life in the same way.
I look back at these posts and see that wow, yes, I knew. I knew the pain of heartbreak and of confusion. I understood fear and love and excitement. The experience does not validate or invalidate the emotion. I knew pain then, and I know pain know. Maybe in different scopes, but still pain nonetheless.
the one thing I know I know now better than before is how much I love Branden, with my whole heart. All that I am. I knew love, but I didn't know love like this. This is so new, and so strong, and so otherworldly, I've never been able to put it into words. The best words I can say, are that we get married a week from tomorrow. That's crazy. For so long the idea of me getting married was a far-off thought. Something I vaguely wanted, but also terrified me because of my long-time, deep-rooted fear of commitment. The last time I posted, even though I was with Branden at the time, I probably couldn't have imagined this day.
The last five years have been wild.
more painful than I could have had nightmares about.
more beautiful than I could ever envision.
more wonderful than my soul could dream.
I really, truly, did not know what was coming. And honestly, I'm so glad. As a currently popular country song goes, "youth is spent well on the young, because wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun."
I think I had more wisdom in my teens - more than people gave me credit for, for sure. But I also believe in the beauty that is ignorant bliss. It's what makes you take chances, and move forward.
Okay, I need to pee, but maybe sometime soon I'll write again. I won't promise, because really, I don't know if I will. but maybe I will. If I do? See you then.
<3 love.="" much="" nbsp="" p="" so="">
Ari (soon to be Hummer)
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