wet keyboard
sometimes I think things I would never want anyone to know about. things I need to write about to try to understand but don't want on paper because someone might find that. you might say then, that I shouldn't be putting those thoughts on the world wide web for everyone to see, but this blog is like my emotional ghost town. the most private place I know. so here goes. i really really really hate what I look like. but the thing is, I never thought that was true. i look in the mirror and I'm pretty confident - I take a selfie and I like it - but then I see a photo of myself and it's someone I don't know.
and the thing is I don't know what to believe.
my mom said "it's very obvious that you've gained a lot of weight.. but as long as you're comfortable."
and number-wise, yeah I've gained some weight. we won't get into that because over the past 6 years I've been more fit, and more dedicated to nutrition than any other time in my life. there is no reason for my weight gain. other than possibly the bizarre hormonal imbalances my body deals with.
anyway. this is the issue. a week ago today, I got married. wild, right? well, we got a lot of photos back, and I don't know what to say except that the girl in those photos isn't someone I recognize. that girl looks like she weighs 200 pounds and would wobble when she walks. what doesn't make sense though, is that, when I look in the mirror, I DON'T SEE THAT. I see someone who is vaguely heavier all around since college, but in an evenly-distributed, unfortunate yet livable way. Who needs a 6 instead of a 4 in jeans, but otherwise still wears mostly clothes she's had since her smallest days.
but I look at those photos from the wedding. and I want to see the love and the joy and the excitement I felt that day. but instead I see the girl that apparently everyone else saw that day, and all I feel is shame. I feel horrified that anyone would have let me leave my room looking like that. like why didn't someone smack me and make me work harder or make me buy a dress that didn't show my back, keep telling me to stick my chin out because apparently I have 2 of them which I never knew before.
someone is lying.
I don't know who it is but I need to figure it out, because I see those photos and it makes me want to forget the whole thing ever happened. that's not how I want to feel about my wedding.
I don't know what to do, because I'm breaking.
and the thing is I don't know what to believe.
my mom said "it's very obvious that you've gained a lot of weight.. but as long as you're comfortable."
and number-wise, yeah I've gained some weight. we won't get into that because over the past 6 years I've been more fit, and more dedicated to nutrition than any other time in my life. there is no reason for my weight gain. other than possibly the bizarre hormonal imbalances my body deals with.
anyway. this is the issue. a week ago today, I got married. wild, right? well, we got a lot of photos back, and I don't know what to say except that the girl in those photos isn't someone I recognize. that girl looks like she weighs 200 pounds and would wobble when she walks. what doesn't make sense though, is that, when I look in the mirror, I DON'T SEE THAT. I see someone who is vaguely heavier all around since college, but in an evenly-distributed, unfortunate yet livable way. Who needs a 6 instead of a 4 in jeans, but otherwise still wears mostly clothes she's had since her smallest days.
but I look at those photos from the wedding. and I want to see the love and the joy and the excitement I felt that day. but instead I see the girl that apparently everyone else saw that day, and all I feel is shame. I feel horrified that anyone would have let me leave my room looking like that. like why didn't someone smack me and make me work harder or make me buy a dress that didn't show my back, keep telling me to stick my chin out because apparently I have 2 of them which I never knew before.
someone is lying.
I don't know who it is but I need to figure it out, because I see those photos and it makes me want to forget the whole thing ever happened. that's not how I want to feel about my wedding.
I don't know what to do, because I'm breaking.
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