looks good
right now everything looks precisely the way I could have always dreamt it. I legitimately have my DREAM apartment.
It's perfect. So aesthetically flawless it's honestly hard to wrap my head around.
Yet earlier today, I sat in this perfect, beautiful, peaceful apartment, and cried.
Cried because sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with inadequacy, discontentment, self-loathing, and brokenness. And what's funny, is that I guess over time I really truly though, as naive is it is, that when I was married, when I had the perfectly curated apartment, the well-paying job, and a plan for my life, that all of those feelings would go away.
but that's the thing. They don't. they chase you down until you actually realize that nothing can save you from those things except God. and while I'm not entirely fully there yet, and will still struggle, today I had a real serious come to Jesus moment.
"I will build my life upon your love, it is a firm foundation."
a FIRM FOUNDATION. holy crap, that's what I need. when I rely on myself and my dreams, and pretty things, or even just Branden, I find myself feeling out of control like I'm being tossed by waves and can't quite catch my breath.
"Jesus the only one who could ever save."
the ONLY ONE. not my house, not my job, not my husband. Just Jesus.
dang.
but now, thank you so much lord for a change in perspective - he adjusts things so quickly, you see, because I honestly thought this post was going to be a pity-party, where I drip with melancholy in a way that sounds beautiful but really emphasizes the pain I've been feeling.
Instead, I can't even think about that because I'm so distracted by how beautiful gratitude looks. I'm so thankful for the way God can instantly touch a heart. If you open yourself to him, he'll touch it, and the peace will flow, before you know it the peace will flow.
thank you.
goodnight.
also real quick-
all those things I just listed that are going really well in my life? Thank you JESUS for those. cuz holy moly. so good.
It's perfect. So aesthetically flawless it's honestly hard to wrap my head around.
Yet earlier today, I sat in this perfect, beautiful, peaceful apartment, and cried.
Cried because sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with inadequacy, discontentment, self-loathing, and brokenness. And what's funny, is that I guess over time I really truly though, as naive is it is, that when I was married, when I had the perfectly curated apartment, the well-paying job, and a plan for my life, that all of those feelings would go away.
but that's the thing. They don't. they chase you down until you actually realize that nothing can save you from those things except God. and while I'm not entirely fully there yet, and will still struggle, today I had a real serious come to Jesus moment.
"I will build my life upon your love, it is a firm foundation."
a FIRM FOUNDATION. holy crap, that's what I need. when I rely on myself and my dreams, and pretty things, or even just Branden, I find myself feeling out of control like I'm being tossed by waves and can't quite catch my breath.
"Jesus the only one who could ever save."
the ONLY ONE. not my house, not my job, not my husband. Just Jesus.
dang.
but now, thank you so much lord for a change in perspective - he adjusts things so quickly, you see, because I honestly thought this post was going to be a pity-party, where I drip with melancholy in a way that sounds beautiful but really emphasizes the pain I've been feeling.
Instead, I can't even think about that because I'm so distracted by how beautiful gratitude looks. I'm so thankful for the way God can instantly touch a heart. If you open yourself to him, he'll touch it, and the peace will flow, before you know it the peace will flow.
thank you.
goodnight.
also real quick-
all those things I just listed that are going really well in my life? Thank you JESUS for those. cuz holy moly. so good.
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