2019
2019 was wild.
I started the year in the last two weeks of a horrible job. I worked at a law firm, and at the time I thought it couldn't possibly get worse than that. I lived with Abby and Julia, something so beautifully serendipitous I will never understand. When I think back on this era - my early 20s - I'll remember pain, finance-induced panic attacks, and the most wonderful memories EVER with my favorite ladies. what a time to be alive.
moving on. right after finishing my job at the law firm, I started nannying for the misso's. this was truly the best fit it could have been. First of all, I quickly loved violet and Juliet more than I thought possible. second, the misso's have a gentle, beautiful love that just puts you at ease. Lastly, it paid so well. In short, this was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to me at this time in my life.
3 months later, the mother of this family was laid off. So I was too.
that rocked me. it wrecked me. Not only would I miss those girls SO much, but I stopped believing that I could climb out of my financial stress. I gave up. I new that I would be getting married in 3 short months, and for that I was thankful, but at the same time, I felt my lowest, knowing that I would be entering this marriage as a burden. with debt & deep sadness that I couldn't seem to shake.
3 months later, I got married. That was the most wonderful weekend of my life. Every one of my favorite people with me all at once. A weekend in a cabin on a lake with wonderful people - it was a dream. Our cabin was beautiful. We all paddle boarded, kayaked, ate, laughed - we had fires, we made bouquets, we prepped for the wedding - and when it POURED all. day. long. for our wedding, we all had a blast. the actual day, and the weekend honestly, are for another post. I should write about them sometime, but I don't even know where to start. I just get so filled with gratitude. I will say this - after our reception, branden and I were the last to leave. We sat in my car and looked at the tent, still lit up, and paused. we were in awe. the people in our lives love us so much. until you get married, you won't understand what it feels like to be so widely loved. We are so blessed with the friends we have, who would do absolutely anything for us to make us feel loved on such a special day. from Aaron MCing, to courtney and jaime for just everything, to Brady for being such a willing helper, to everyone else for just loving us SO DARN MUCH I can't even put it into words. holy moly. I will always look on that day so fondly. I always said that weddings were overrated. that they are just a day. and honestly, that's true. We did officially get married that day, but that doesn't make it any more special than like a graduation day I guess. However - I will absolutely 100% say that our wedding was the best day of our lives. Why? because of how GOSH DARN LOVED we felt all. weekend. long. and yes, I pledged to be Brandens forevermore. our relationship though, didn't feel like it changed that much. it was a special day, and a landmark for sure, in our relationship. What made it stand out though, were all of the people who took time out of their lives to come support us, shower us with love, and tell us they're rooting us on. What joy, love, and just straight up giddiness I feel for that day.
right around that time I started working part time at Black button. I also applied for and quickly interviews for a job at Rochester Prep. I remember leaving my interview, having been offered the job, getting home and panicking. I knew I didn't want this. I couldn't place it, but something about the thought of working there every day made my heart race, in a bad way. but the money was good, they would help pay for grad school, and I had no other options.
on July 30th, I started at RP. so began the worst months of my life thus far. (how melodramatic of me). the first month wasn't bad - we trained and had pd and I made friends and it was okay. on august 15th, the school year started and I was placed in a full-time teaching position in a kindergarten room at a different school after saying I did not want to do that. the year started and the kids were cute but I was so overwhelmed. sometimes I think I just couldn't handle it because I'm a wimp. I cried every night. I cried when I got home. I cried when Branden got home. I cried laying in bed. I cried as I ate dinner. I cried while we watched Netflix. on august 26th, I started grad school. 4 classes, diving right in. after 6 weeks teaching kindergarten, with so many people saying I was "doing amazing" and "was so cut out to be a teacher" and "so flexible" I met with the principal at this school and she asked me to switch to a co-teacher in 4th grade. I knew I couldn't handle that. Kindergarten was hard, but at least I was teaching the alphabet and not stuff i'd actually have to re-learn and prep on my own. it was too much. I told the principal that. the next day I revived an email announcing the switch. that was when I realized my opinion didn't matter. I panicked. I emailed the principal from my original school telling her I was overwhelmed and struggling and that this was all too much with grad school. I emailed my current principal too, explaining the situation, practically begging her to let me stay put. two days later, I had a meeting with them both. during the meeting I apologized for being a burden - for not being the solution they had been hoping for. this was my principal's response: "we weren't looking for a rockstar teacher, just a body in a room, so you're fine." they continued on to say that if I didn't move to 4th grade I would be causing a lot of problems. I told them I would do it if I had to but that I really didn't think it was a good idea. I later heard through the grapevine that my home base principal felt terrible about it all - she called me eventually to apologize about how the meeting went and to say she was fighting to get me back. I didn't end up getting pushed over to 4th grade, and after 2 weeks, I was back at my original school, as an apprentice teacher. I thought everything would be better now. At the end of the week, my friend Sierra and I got pulled into Danielle's office. "A teacher is leaving, and we need one of you to step up as a co-teacher in 4th grade." I laughed, audibly. they wanted to know how we felt about it - whether or not this was something we wanted to do. But I knew. This was the 3rd time I was having this conversation, and I knew it didn't matter what I thought or felt. I told them I didn't want to do it. I'd do it if I had to. I was unprepared, unqualified, and not at all in a mental space to become these kid's teacher. Nevertheless, 3 days later, there I was. Not only a co-teacher, but taking the role of a lead teacher. the co-teacher was now being paid as a lead, to do LESS than a co's job, and I was still getting paid as an apprentice, for doing MORE than a co's job. all of it was unfortunate. So that was that. After a week of intermission, I cried again. in bed, during meals, even at a wedding I was working, because it was just TOO. MUCH. I don't really know how else to explain it. I was crumbling. I didn't care about anything, and my headspace was oversaturated with EVERYTHING. class was too much. work was too much. I was snapping at branden, and then crying because I felt like I was letting him down. I dreaded going to bed because I knew morning would come quickly - 5:45, leaving work at 4:15, rushing to class, getting home at 8:15, crying, being told I'm overtired and should go to bed (valid tho lol), and then starting all over again. my co-teacher was constantly complaining, and everything about everything was making me question my decision to become a teacher. there were a few teachers who were so helpful. but it wasn't enough support to take on this role and be a full time grad student. on November 1st, I threw in the towel.
They were great about it. I won't go into the rumors (non rumors?) about the treatment of kids. Or the things I was taught to do and asked to do that go against any love of children I've ever had. That's not what this is. I'm not here to trash talk RP, I'm here to go through my year. I didn't realize though, when I started this, how cathartic it would be. I didn't know how badly I needed to really dice out my time there and how it made me feel.
One thing I never expected was how much guilt I felt. I was a newlywed, crying myself to sleep every night. And for that, I felt so so guilty. Branden didn't deserve that - I had every reason to be blissfully happy, but I was broken. I finally, much later than I'd wish, realized how possible it is to fully feel opposing emotions simultaneously. I was SO happy to be married to branden, SO in love with him, and ALSO completely broken inside. RP broke my spirit. The treatment of kids, the environment, the workload - it all left me feeling like the good in the world was dwindling, and like this place that I was spending my time at was a horrible, dark place. Anyway. I left.
At first I couldn't shake the constant stress. It took a solid two weeks for me to really believe that I wasn't going back. For me to go to bed without panicking. I also started to feel more guilt - without that income, our finances would be a LOT tighter. but oh my goodness - when I say Branden was supportive, that's such an understatement. and let me tell you - we are so much happier now. We have a lot less income, but we actually get to spend time together, and have fun, and be married. We are in such a fun & unique stage in our lives, and we get to embrace that now. I start subbing on Monday, and I can't wait to start contributing to the bank account again, but this month of starting over was so needed.
On November 5th, Jaime had a BABY. baby Russell, who is perfect according to any definition, and so beyond loved. I got to spend a week with jaime and the baby over thanksgiving, and had more fun with her than I have in SO long. we always have a blast, but this was like some old school sister connection. I adore Russell. I love my sister. I'm so thankful for them both.
Now, December 10th. I have 3 days left of my first semester of grad school. I'd say I made it but we aren't there yet hahah. The year is winding down and I feel like I've just finished a marathon. so much can change in one year - this year, perhaps more than any other in my life. Constant in my life this year, however, has been Branden. Good lord, I love him so much. He's stood by me from the start, getting and then losing a wonderful job, drowning in debt, taking the leap and going to grad school, GETTING MARRIED, the emotional hell that was RP, becoming Uncle&Aunt, and just loving me so so deeply. I feel like we know each other so much more wholly because of the intense pain and joy this year has brought. Such extremes. but I look at him, like I am right now, sitting there, reading an obscure book, with his wedding ring. I could stare at his wedding ring all day long. it reminds me that this IS constant. it's forever. It's stable. and it's a real, true, beautiful love that I'll never comprehend. That you Jesus for letting us into each other's lives.
He laughs when I say I couldn't have gotten through this year without him. hahaha it's definitely not a joke though.
Okay. The year is almost over. I think my word of 2019 was Dive in - something like that. dive into getting married, dive into grad school - all of that kind of thing. I was tired of living so stagnant. well holy moly, this year was ANYTHING but stagnant. it was one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far, and I'm glad I opened my heart up to so much possibility. I think 2020 will be more about simplicity - about calm waters - about contentedness, finding joy and peace in my day to day, and letting go of the heaviness that has been the last few years. like a snake shedding a skin. Like Taylor Swift symbolically changing from a snake to a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I'll definitely have a whole other post dedicated to planning and setting intentions for the new year - for a new decade. And maybe another where I reflect on not just 2019, but on the 2010s. WHAT A DECADE.
Anyway. I'm going to leave this here. I'll be back - the end of the year is always a time where I need some extra written processing - so much going on in my brain, so much to reflect on and dissect.
thank you for listening.
<3 p="">
I started the year in the last two weeks of a horrible job. I worked at a law firm, and at the time I thought it couldn't possibly get worse than that. I lived with Abby and Julia, something so beautifully serendipitous I will never understand. When I think back on this era - my early 20s - I'll remember pain, finance-induced panic attacks, and the most wonderful memories EVER with my favorite ladies. what a time to be alive.
moving on. right after finishing my job at the law firm, I started nannying for the misso's. this was truly the best fit it could have been. First of all, I quickly loved violet and Juliet more than I thought possible. second, the misso's have a gentle, beautiful love that just puts you at ease. Lastly, it paid so well. In short, this was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to me at this time in my life.
3 months later, the mother of this family was laid off. So I was too.
that rocked me. it wrecked me. Not only would I miss those girls SO much, but I stopped believing that I could climb out of my financial stress. I gave up. I new that I would be getting married in 3 short months, and for that I was thankful, but at the same time, I felt my lowest, knowing that I would be entering this marriage as a burden. with debt & deep sadness that I couldn't seem to shake.
3 months later, I got married. That was the most wonderful weekend of my life. Every one of my favorite people with me all at once. A weekend in a cabin on a lake with wonderful people - it was a dream. Our cabin was beautiful. We all paddle boarded, kayaked, ate, laughed - we had fires, we made bouquets, we prepped for the wedding - and when it POURED all. day. long. for our wedding, we all had a blast. the actual day, and the weekend honestly, are for another post. I should write about them sometime, but I don't even know where to start. I just get so filled with gratitude. I will say this - after our reception, branden and I were the last to leave. We sat in my car and looked at the tent, still lit up, and paused. we were in awe. the people in our lives love us so much. until you get married, you won't understand what it feels like to be so widely loved. We are so blessed with the friends we have, who would do absolutely anything for us to make us feel loved on such a special day. from Aaron MCing, to courtney and jaime for just everything, to Brady for being such a willing helper, to everyone else for just loving us SO DARN MUCH I can't even put it into words. holy moly. I will always look on that day so fondly. I always said that weddings were overrated. that they are just a day. and honestly, that's true. We did officially get married that day, but that doesn't make it any more special than like a graduation day I guess. However - I will absolutely 100% say that our wedding was the best day of our lives. Why? because of how GOSH DARN LOVED we felt all. weekend. long. and yes, I pledged to be Brandens forevermore. our relationship though, didn't feel like it changed that much. it was a special day, and a landmark for sure, in our relationship. What made it stand out though, were all of the people who took time out of their lives to come support us, shower us with love, and tell us they're rooting us on. What joy, love, and just straight up giddiness I feel for that day.
right around that time I started working part time at Black button. I also applied for and quickly interviews for a job at Rochester Prep. I remember leaving my interview, having been offered the job, getting home and panicking. I knew I didn't want this. I couldn't place it, but something about the thought of working there every day made my heart race, in a bad way. but the money was good, they would help pay for grad school, and I had no other options.
on July 30th, I started at RP. so began the worst months of my life thus far. (how melodramatic of me). the first month wasn't bad - we trained and had pd and I made friends and it was okay. on august 15th, the school year started and I was placed in a full-time teaching position in a kindergarten room at a different school after saying I did not want to do that. the year started and the kids were cute but I was so overwhelmed. sometimes I think I just couldn't handle it because I'm a wimp. I cried every night. I cried when I got home. I cried when Branden got home. I cried laying in bed. I cried as I ate dinner. I cried while we watched Netflix. on august 26th, I started grad school. 4 classes, diving right in. after 6 weeks teaching kindergarten, with so many people saying I was "doing amazing" and "was so cut out to be a teacher" and "so flexible" I met with the principal at this school and she asked me to switch to a co-teacher in 4th grade. I knew I couldn't handle that. Kindergarten was hard, but at least I was teaching the alphabet and not stuff i'd actually have to re-learn and prep on my own. it was too much. I told the principal that. the next day I revived an email announcing the switch. that was when I realized my opinion didn't matter. I panicked. I emailed the principal from my original school telling her I was overwhelmed and struggling and that this was all too much with grad school. I emailed my current principal too, explaining the situation, practically begging her to let me stay put. two days later, I had a meeting with them both. during the meeting I apologized for being a burden - for not being the solution they had been hoping for. this was my principal's response: "we weren't looking for a rockstar teacher, just a body in a room, so you're fine." they continued on to say that if I didn't move to 4th grade I would be causing a lot of problems. I told them I would do it if I had to but that I really didn't think it was a good idea. I later heard through the grapevine that my home base principal felt terrible about it all - she called me eventually to apologize about how the meeting went and to say she was fighting to get me back. I didn't end up getting pushed over to 4th grade, and after 2 weeks, I was back at my original school, as an apprentice teacher. I thought everything would be better now. At the end of the week, my friend Sierra and I got pulled into Danielle's office. "A teacher is leaving, and we need one of you to step up as a co-teacher in 4th grade." I laughed, audibly. they wanted to know how we felt about it - whether or not this was something we wanted to do. But I knew. This was the 3rd time I was having this conversation, and I knew it didn't matter what I thought or felt. I told them I didn't want to do it. I'd do it if I had to. I was unprepared, unqualified, and not at all in a mental space to become these kid's teacher. Nevertheless, 3 days later, there I was. Not only a co-teacher, but taking the role of a lead teacher. the co-teacher was now being paid as a lead, to do LESS than a co's job, and I was still getting paid as an apprentice, for doing MORE than a co's job. all of it was unfortunate. So that was that. After a week of intermission, I cried again. in bed, during meals, even at a wedding I was working, because it was just TOO. MUCH. I don't really know how else to explain it. I was crumbling. I didn't care about anything, and my headspace was oversaturated with EVERYTHING. class was too much. work was too much. I was snapping at branden, and then crying because I felt like I was letting him down. I dreaded going to bed because I knew morning would come quickly - 5:45, leaving work at 4:15, rushing to class, getting home at 8:15, crying, being told I'm overtired and should go to bed (valid tho lol), and then starting all over again. my co-teacher was constantly complaining, and everything about everything was making me question my decision to become a teacher. there were a few teachers who were so helpful. but it wasn't enough support to take on this role and be a full time grad student. on November 1st, I threw in the towel.
They were great about it. I won't go into the rumors (non rumors?) about the treatment of kids. Or the things I was taught to do and asked to do that go against any love of children I've ever had. That's not what this is. I'm not here to trash talk RP, I'm here to go through my year. I didn't realize though, when I started this, how cathartic it would be. I didn't know how badly I needed to really dice out my time there and how it made me feel.
One thing I never expected was how much guilt I felt. I was a newlywed, crying myself to sleep every night. And for that, I felt so so guilty. Branden didn't deserve that - I had every reason to be blissfully happy, but I was broken. I finally, much later than I'd wish, realized how possible it is to fully feel opposing emotions simultaneously. I was SO happy to be married to branden, SO in love with him, and ALSO completely broken inside. RP broke my spirit. The treatment of kids, the environment, the workload - it all left me feeling like the good in the world was dwindling, and like this place that I was spending my time at was a horrible, dark place. Anyway. I left.
At first I couldn't shake the constant stress. It took a solid two weeks for me to really believe that I wasn't going back. For me to go to bed without panicking. I also started to feel more guilt - without that income, our finances would be a LOT tighter. but oh my goodness - when I say Branden was supportive, that's such an understatement. and let me tell you - we are so much happier now. We have a lot less income, but we actually get to spend time together, and have fun, and be married. We are in such a fun & unique stage in our lives, and we get to embrace that now. I start subbing on Monday, and I can't wait to start contributing to the bank account again, but this month of starting over was so needed.
On November 5th, Jaime had a BABY. baby Russell, who is perfect according to any definition, and so beyond loved. I got to spend a week with jaime and the baby over thanksgiving, and had more fun with her than I have in SO long. we always have a blast, but this was like some old school sister connection. I adore Russell. I love my sister. I'm so thankful for them both.
Now, December 10th. I have 3 days left of my first semester of grad school. I'd say I made it but we aren't there yet hahah. The year is winding down and I feel like I've just finished a marathon. so much can change in one year - this year, perhaps more than any other in my life. Constant in my life this year, however, has been Branden. Good lord, I love him so much. He's stood by me from the start, getting and then losing a wonderful job, drowning in debt, taking the leap and going to grad school, GETTING MARRIED, the emotional hell that was RP, becoming Uncle&Aunt, and just loving me so so deeply. I feel like we know each other so much more wholly because of the intense pain and joy this year has brought. Such extremes. but I look at him, like I am right now, sitting there, reading an obscure book, with his wedding ring. I could stare at his wedding ring all day long. it reminds me that this IS constant. it's forever. It's stable. and it's a real, true, beautiful love that I'll never comprehend. That you Jesus for letting us into each other's lives.
He laughs when I say I couldn't have gotten through this year without him. hahaha it's definitely not a joke though.
Okay. The year is almost over. I think my word of 2019 was Dive in - something like that. dive into getting married, dive into grad school - all of that kind of thing. I was tired of living so stagnant. well holy moly, this year was ANYTHING but stagnant. it was one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far, and I'm glad I opened my heart up to so much possibility. I think 2020 will be more about simplicity - about calm waters - about contentedness, finding joy and peace in my day to day, and letting go of the heaviness that has been the last few years. like a snake shedding a skin. Like Taylor Swift symbolically changing from a snake to a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I'll definitely have a whole other post dedicated to planning and setting intentions for the new year - for a new decade. And maybe another where I reflect on not just 2019, but on the 2010s. WHAT A DECADE.
Anyway. I'm going to leave this here. I'll be back - the end of the year is always a time where I need some extra written processing - so much going on in my brain, so much to reflect on and dissect.
thank you for listening.
<3 p="">
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