End of a Decade, Start of an Age

it's almost 2020. I have no idea how that happened, but wow, crazy, right? this last month of the 20teens is a special one. it's time to reflect on a decade. it's time to look at what I've done, where I've been, what has changed, how I've changed, and what I'd like to change moving forward. it's honestly wild. 10 years ago, 2009 moving in on 2010, I was a freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. now, I'm married to someone I hadn't even dreamed of in high school, working my way through grad school, and living in a beautiful city apartment. while all of that is truly astonishing, I think the strangest part is that I feel largely the same. I think it would be fun to go back and read some of my posts from the end of 2009 and see how different I was then. Honestly, I feel like I still feel similarly. I live in my head, amazed at little things, frightened of large decisions, living for the perfect moments, the pretty spots, and lives I'm not living. Now, don't go thinking I'm overly discontent - I am wildly, deeply, and profoundly grateful for where life has landed me. I'm just a dreamer. I have always been a dreamer. Even though I have never been happier (Branden, this love, this life), I can never help myself from envisioning different versions of my life. the one where my fingernails are always perfect, or the one where I live in the English countryside, or the one where I sing for a living, or the one where I do work for a magazine, writing for an audience of millions, or the one where I finish that novel and make millions but manage to maintain my simple country lifestyle.

all wild dreams.

but this one, this life I have now,  is a special one. I don't know how else to say it honestly. It's been a hard year. It's been a hard 3 years. it's been a hard decade. but here I am, with people I love and people who love me, chasing after dreams I didn't know I had, embracing the things I'm afraid of, and honestly realizing that sometimes the life we fall into is better than the ones we dream of.

well, one thing hasn't changed at all - I have a crapload of homework to do before next week and instead I'm on here writing for the first time in 3 months. so that's classic. I'm sure I'll be back soon to ponder the intricacies of the unexpected (lol) or to just make lists of New Years resolutions and ideals. Or maybe to dream some more. (or maybe even to work on that novel). We'll see.

Until next time.