involuntary function.

i don't know what to do.

i know that everything will work out.

it's just that right now.. what do i do?

obviously:

i go to college

i live my life and do whatever and trust God and everything will work out.

i know.

but what is "living my life."

playing soccer, going to class, meeting new people?

i don't know.

and then, i can of course go on and live my life but it wont take away the thought that is invading my brain right now. every piece of my being is being corrupted by this one, simple concept. and i know for a fact that it isn't true. how could it be? I have been fearfully and wonderfully made. i know for sure that it's a lie. so why am i struggling so much? the fibers of my body, the veins, the marrow of my bones- my heart- ache. they ache at the very thought. the very thought that maybe what if i believe this lie? my eyes involuntarily water- not crying, no, just tears. tears that won't come out any other way, because i wont cry them- no. so sometimes they just come. When I laugh, or yawn, or maybe just stare for too long. they come wet and quickly and then i brush them aside.

so what is this thought.

this thought that is my achilles heal- for it is my weakness, the crack in my wall.

this thought that is consuming my mind.


well.


if i say, you will hate me.

not because i am hatable, but because how could i ever believe such a thing?

how could i ever even think for a moment that this is true?

for i have been fearfully and wonderfully made.


fearfully and wonderfully made.

wonderfully.

but as many times as i say that. as much as i do believe that with all that i am, it's still there. this thought.

"you're too good. and i'm not good enough."

not.

good.

enough.

inadequate.

unnecessary.

there's a better option out there, of course, i'm sure of it.

so there it is.

it's killing me slowly.

and i don't believe it-

no.

i don't.

but it's there.

and i need it gone.